did you get engaged???
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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