i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
