i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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