I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
