Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
