Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
