last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
