Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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