Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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