Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
