I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
