dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
