Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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