omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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