The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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