i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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