you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
