Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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