Soap is not a condiment
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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