there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
