so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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