Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
