You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
40s are totally the cure
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
