loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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