I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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