How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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