got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
