shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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