Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
