I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
