If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
