Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
