So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
