Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
