Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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