It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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