Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
