There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
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Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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