If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
