If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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