the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
