I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize