ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
