You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
