You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
