I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
