Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
