I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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