You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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