I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
