i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
