I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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