I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
as a side note pls kill me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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