It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
