So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
