Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
