Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's shark week go big or go home
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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