I just saw a hot homeless man
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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