One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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