I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
