Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
